ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
