i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
