Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
so let's talk penis.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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