i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
