i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
