Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
