2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
