i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
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