i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
