my sisters under your porch take her home
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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