Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
