somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Randomize
