1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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