you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
