I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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