i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
