my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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