Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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