the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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