Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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