He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
