I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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