my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
