i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
