i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
