I accidentally had phone sex last night
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
