Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
