so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
