I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
