Fine. I'll sleep in my office
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I think I sprained my soul last night
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
