somebody snuck up and got me drunk
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
