Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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