How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
