in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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