I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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