If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I cut my penus on the lid.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
