i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
