So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
