I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
