The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
