Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
