The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
