Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
