I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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