my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
