bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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