I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
