I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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