fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
