remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
